goodbye 2011.

my last post of 2011.  crazzyyyness right there.  248 posts.  365 days.  

Memories.  Memories. Tears.  Laughter.  Overflowing Joy.  Struggles.  Pain.  Lost loved ones.  New life.  An incredible journey.  Traveling from Colorado to Central America to the Rocky Mountains.  Treatments, specialists, chronic pain.  Children's Hospital specialized specialists, tests ran, MRI's.  Learning what it is to be dependent on God, what it's like to feel weak, the moments when all I can do is lay there and pray and breathe. Pain levels I had never experienced before that took my breath away like knives in my head.

And yet, so many blessings... ministering to people in La Ceiba, Honduras for eight days and not wanting to come home, being on the senior high leadership team and church and learning so much about ministry and how much I need to learn about being a role model, friend, sister, and daughter of Jesus,  an amazing youth group that I just love love love love, time with my brothers that I spent this year more than I ever have, the late nights with my sister and how we watched every single I Love Lucy episode made over the course of this summer.  Thankful how God brought our meats team to win the state title and we're going to a national competition next week.  I'm playing the violin again (which is truly incredible) and better yet, I'm flying out next month for a college music audition (which 6 months ago seemed totally crazy).   Being able to go to youth camp this summer, community college this fall, ACT's and SAT, college aps, preparing last minute things for being a senior, ministering to freshman and sophomore girls, being a big sister to freshman and sophomore boys, more coffee trips with kids than I can count, the power of prayer, long phone calls, voicemails of non-Christian kids asking me to pray for them, my adopted siblings who are spread from California to Nebraska to Virginia (Josh, Valerie, Lexi).  I am blessed beyond measure.  I have the best graduating senior class, the best school... I am so unworthy of all these gifts.  Thankful for our calf crop this year, our market steers selling out faster than we could get order forms in, my incredible family and parents, grandparents and extended family... thankful for the afternoon group at co-op, Ben and Peter and Jonathan (my three adopted bigger than me bros that I would do anything for) and for Danny and Allen and all the others.  All of you have become so dear to me.  I have truly been humbled beyond words at how God has worked in lives this year.

A mighty fortress is our God... a refuge is His Name.  He is in unshakeable.   That is what I have learned this year.  I cannot comprehend His Love and His Mercy.  My God is exalted and high above the heavens and forever forever He is worthy.  I will keep my eyes on Him.  My cup overflows.  I realized this year just how much growing up I had to do, how much I had to learn, how much I still have to learn and how great of God I love.  His Kingdom is unshakeable.  With Him, nothing is impossible.  A mighty fortress. <333  I got a new Bible a year ago this past Christmas and in twelve months, it is falling apart... it is well loved and the pages are marked up with love.  It has begun to change me from the inside out.  Our God is a consuming fire.  

As I write this, the last few hours of 2011 are slipping away quickly, never to return... only to fade away to memories.  I am so humbled by God's Majesty.  What is there to say but how I love You God.  How merciful the cross God.  

I saw this year just how totally insignificant I was without Jesus.  I wanted to touch lives but without God, my actions would profit nothing.  I couldn't get people on fire for God if I wasn't myself.  So, I began to just dig into the Word and learn more about God... pray more, pray more... and I need to keep praying more.  I realize every day just how great is God's Love and how great of a sinner I am.  But I realize that there is freedom in Christ.  It's not about me, all about God.  

As I look at 2012, I pray that God would mold me to be the servant.  I want to be the least of these, to be humble, not about me, all about God.  I want to have great humbleness and love that is on fire.  I want to have open arms and outpouring love.  I don't want to be the same as the average teen.  I want to be on fire for God... totally on fire.  I never want to reach that point of finally being on fire, but always seeking God - being relentless about my pursuit because God's ways are greater than mine.  I pray that I would have a heart filled with compassion, that I wouldn't let a crazy schedule get in the way of praying with my hurting kids.  I need God so greatly.  I pray that God would take away me, change my heart, and use me as platform to share Him.  He is my desire.  He preserves my heart.  I seek Him.  and I realize that 

I want deep water faith. <3 

No more shallowness..instead as Jesus calls us to dive in where hurting people are the most, spelling LOVE with time, caring for the hurting by loving on them with God's Love and prayer.  Maybe it's even paying for the person behind me in Starbucks.  It's running after that girl in 4-H and giving her a hug.  I am praying that God would open my eyes.  My heart is willing but my flesh is weak and I just need God.  I desire God.  I want God.  I need God.  I need God.  I need God. <3  And I see the difference...  it's a beautiful feeling.  It's freeing.  It's not a duty anymore.  My heart overflows with this.  

In 2012, I know God has every single detail totally planned out... 

if it will be a year of harvest or pain I don't know. 

but I trust God. 

because my God is greater here than before.   He is better than dreams, bigger than suffering, peace during fire, encouragement in pain, and defender in battle.  That is what I have learned this year.  Who is like the Lord?  The Maker of the heavens.  He dwells with the poor and lifts them out of ashes and seats them with princes.  

annnndd as a side note, recovering from injuries, you can be thin, but I want to be more fit.. so I'm getting back into intense workouts like I used to and boy - it's hard. haha.  But, it feels good and my goal for 2012 is to get in tip-top shape, run a 5K or two, hike a 14er or two before I leave for college, and maybe a backpack trip with my best friends and family. To keep eating healthy, keep up my protein intake, and keep working out more.  (and out of three 4-H projects, two include fitness.. I'm seeing a pattern. haha)

I'm looking forward to 2012 to be a year of learning... I can't wait to keep growing in You God.  He provides what I need.  Through all the treatments, all the tests, when I would be crying inside because of the pain, God never left.  He is greater here than before.  My heart is full. <3  My Bible is falling apart because of this past year and with that, my heart is full and learning.   Mold me as a servant.  Fill me with love.  Less me.  More You.  More Humbleness.   I am lost in Your Beauty.   Take my life.. all my plans... everything I lay in Your Hands.