a greater mission to be these.

This is....

exactly

what

God 

has 

been

showing

me

this

week.

<3

What's He been doing in your heart?

(all pictures:  Pinterest)

texts.

Two more suicides in my town this week in addition to a boy in my sister's orchestra who had a heart attack during a wrestling practice last weekend.   I just saw another status of another friend of mine having a seriously hard time losing another friend my age.

......

man. 

I was having a hard time going to sleep last night. Laying in bed praying and thinking of kids, I kept praying.  I got so many prayer requests by text yesterday.  My phone kept going off and off and off.  I opened up my Bible first thing this morning and it landed on this.  

But I will rescue you on that day, declares the LORD; you will not be handed over to those you fear.  I will save you; you will not fall by the sword but will escape with your life, because you trust in me, declares the LORD.' " 

- Jeremiah 39:17-18

It ended up being my verse of the day that got sent out to over thirty kids by text this morning.  Most of all, it helped this heart of mine. 

<3

Prayer.  that's where my heart is at today. 

randomness of the day.

i needed them.

I am so bad about listening to my voicemails. 

 

Sometimes they will sit there for two or three days before I get to them.  My emails can sit even longer.  In one of my voicemails, one of my sweet friends was almost crying and asking me to pray.  I just stopped what I was doing -

Jesus change me.  What have I been doing? 

Lately, God has been doing crazy things in my heart.  He's been awakening my heart and showing me about the beauty of being alive in Jesus' Love, being fully transparent and being real.  

 

Jesus has been showing me to thrive where I'm at.  I don't have to be somewhere else or on the mission field but here.  Having a seriously deep heart to heart talk with my thirteen year old brother on the way to school in the morning and then praying together is changing me.  Jesus is showing me that I don't need to be in Central America loving on kids (although that's awesome!) but that there are people HERE that need love.  Sometimes just saying "hey you are AMAZING and you are loved" and meaning it can make someone's day (at least it makes mine).

Most of all though I've been realizing that all along Jesus kept bringing me all these kids and I thought they just needed Jesus.  But Jesus showed me that actually?  I needed them and I love them.

Watching my notifications on Facebook turn red of people liking my Bible verse status that don't know Jesus and of people that I have been praying for almost makes me cry.  Yet EVEN more is when I get voicemails saying "hey - um I've got this friend?  she's going through a rough patch.  would you pray..."  when they don't even believe in prayer.  Jesus is changing MY HEART through them.  These are my friends and people that I love.   

Recently, I sent one of my sweet friends an email.  She has come to me about all this stuff, sharing her struggles, and asking me for prayer while I've been watching God COMPLETELY change her life around. Not me but GOD alone..<3 I sent her a long email just saying how much I have struggled too and that I'm not perfect and that Jesus calls us to something so much greater.  

Pressing send on that and hearing her reply made us both cry.
Once again Jesus reminds me I don't need to be perfect.  Jesus is calling for something greater.

Jesus is awakening this heart of mine and showing me that He is SO MUCH more than I ever could have imagined... nothing is impossible with Him. 

Last week at youth group, a group of us girls went outside and just held hands and prayed for our week and our relationships and that JESUS would just be lifted up and glorified and filled in US and through us. 

This is what God has been showing me

and this is what I want to encourage ya'll in.. 

Place your hand over your heart. 

feel that?

That means YOU'RE ALIVE and you're here for a  purpose. 

I want to listen to voicemails and not let them sit there. GOD IS WORKING.  He is working through Bible verses and people and things that we don't even see or KNOW.  He's showing me I need them too.  We can't change situations but we can pray.  Jesus is showing me that prayer changes everything.  Most of all - prayer is changing me.

You Lord have never forsaken those who seek You
||psalm 9:10
♥ ♥ ♥

want to live.

I was driving home from school yesterday and praying for people on my heart.  I finished and then turned on the radio, more people came to my mind and so I turned it back down and started praying for people again.  Lately, we've been having these Bible verses sent out by text every day.  It's been AMAZING to watch God work through a simple text to random people.  Last night, I woke up around 4ish and God had it on my heart to pray too.   I've been convicted that as a leader at my church, a friend, a sister, a daughter, I need to raise the bar.   The way God sees me is way different than I see myself and in that, I want to encourage and love on people in a way that the things that they might forget.  I've been realizing just how much I need to serve and lead more not to fulfill this to-do list but because God is calling me to do greater.  It is not me who is living but Christ in me.  I live by faith and I no longer want to survive... I want to live.   

The light of the Gospel is changing me to be genuine with real overflowing joy.

It's the randomness on my heart tonight.
Jesus is enough <3

I have been crucified with Christ. It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. And the life I now live in the flesh I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me.

- Galatians 2:20

in the house of God forever.

<3 <3 <3

every day I spend with you

is a new best day of my life.  you are somebody's reason to smile.
<3

You is Kind.

You is Smart.

You is Important.

-- The Help.

taught how to fly.

When you have come to the edge of all light that you know and are about to drop off into the darkness of the unknown, Faith is knowing one of two things will happen.  There will be something solid to stand on or you will be taught how to fly. 

-Patrick Overton

I saw this quote tonight while catching up on everything that I've missed on Pinterest lately.   I was praying about what to write about next on my blog and two things came up.  This quote and a picture.   Guess God has something in plan because I honestly have no idea where this post is going.  But, we'll see.  I pray it encourages you to keep going no matter what you're going through.  Love ya'll a whole lot.  So thankful to God that we have parts of the body of Christ spread across the world linked tiny web sites in the blog world.  It amazes me all the time.  

dear Jesus, just please be with this post.  Please be with my heart.  Help what is on my heart to be shared in this post and with these people.  I love you Jesus.  Encourage busted hearts with this little piece of love posted tonight.  May it be filled with gentleness from my heart.  Thank you for every day teaching me how to fly.  I want to learn more about You every single day for the rest of my life.  I want to be poured out so that You may be glorified through this little piece in one life that You used to change a heart.  I am so grateful.  In Jesus' Name, amen.

As most all of you know who have been reading this blog for a while, I had a shoulder injury over two years ago that turned into a right side nerve injury and then went into my right arm and finally manifested itself into massive head pain.   A long story, countless specialists, stopping the violin, stopping riding horses, MRI's, doctors, weakness, chronic pain... all these things that God used to accomplish a bigger picture than I could have ever dreamed.  It was my life for two years.   When you live with pain every day that people can't see, it changes you. 

One of my best friends came out from California last fall and we took a whole lot of pictures.  One of such was during the most wonderful Bible study EVER in a packed Starbucks at the foot of a fourteener in Colorado.  It took me back to that day... reminded me of the massive pain.  my face being swollen.  but I wanted to smile.  I was so encouraged in God so full so blessed.  I remember not being able to contain it.  

it was this very moment.

Just reminded me of everything.  The hardest things that ever happen to us are some of the best.  Jesus was up to something so much greater than I had imagined with all of this. 

I can't explain what living with pain is like.  All of us have it in some form or another... some of the emotional and spiritual pain you go through matched if not topped mine.  I was praying for so long that Jesus would give me eyes to see hurting.  He answers prayer in crazy ways.  My head pain came on right after that and although it was awful awful, it began to mold this busted heart of mine.  It began to peel away layers of scar tissue that was unhealthy during suffering (kinda like my arm treatments) and showed me just how greatly dependent I was on God.  

Guys - some of you have called me and texted me and the things you are telling me has sent me to my knees praying for you, crying for you.  I cannot even imagine.  Hearing glimpses of your cries to Jesus of desperateness have reminded me just how we're all in this together.  We're all empty vessels and completely dependent on God.  Without that, we are nothing.  

As I write this, one scene keeps coming back to my mind over and over again.  It was a Sunday afternoon after church and my head pain was so severe so severe.  I was curled up on the sofa in a ball wrapped in a blanket and didn't know what to do.  it felt like knives in my head so much and there was nothing I could do.  my head was so sensitive and I was STRUGGLING so much.  I had never been in so much pain and it was past the point of having emergency meds help me.  there was nothing I could do and it was to the point I just wanted to go to the ER.  I couldn't do anything and I felt completely defenseless... completely weak... completely in too much pain to pray or read my Bible. 

those moments molded me the most. 

it wrecked me the most for His Glory.  

it's changing this heart of mine. 

The worst moments of it all...  3 in the morning rocking back in forth in nerve pain praying to get through it saying Isaiah 41:10 over and over in my head... the treatments where I just prayed the whole time "Jesus just help me not to cry I don't want to cry. make me strong"... and the moments when everything kept getting worse. 

Jesus was showing me that faith isn't always something we can see. 

He was showing me sometimes He is up to something bigger. 

My Bible was my refuge.  There are notes all over my Bible of my heart crying out.  The moments when my faith felt paper-thin were the times that Jesus began to mold me the most.  

Some of you are going through CRAZY hard things right now.   My heart just breaks.  Seriously just breaks my heart and I cannot even begin to think how you are making it.  But, this is what I want to encourage you with... that I remember being at that place.  that place of totally feeling incompletely inadequate.

 I want you to just remember this... that you are loved.  Jesus is FOR YOU.  Jesus is not against You.  These things that are hurting you are part of something bigger.  All of this is for a better ending.  You'll see... You'll see. 

Jesus is reminding me all the time of these moments.  These moments when I realize how greatly and deeply I need Him.  these moments are molding me.  There is good for those who love God <3 

He's rending my heart.  I have so much to learn so much to learn.  It made me cry to know that Jesus' heart breaks when we suffer.  Those times when we are hurting and hurting... He calls us to cling to Him and be empty and HE will fill us up.  He is the strength that we need.  He is the holiness that we desire.  These moments of suffering are so painful but there is beauty.  

All of this... whatever you're going through... as I close my last post written on this chapter in my life about struggling with my injury and as Jesus opens other new and exciting chapters, I want you to be encouraged with.. just maybe just maybe...

He's teaching you how to fly.

may He gently calm your heart with His soft whisper that 

You are loved.

I am not against You. 

I am up to something greater. 

I'm teaching you how to fly.
I am Here with You.
There is greater things here than You can even dream.

I thank Him who has given me strength. 

- 1 Timothy 1:12

when everyone else is partying.

When I was in the airport last weekend, I was reading my Bible.  underlining... writing notes... book after book.  Philippians.  Galatians.  Ephesians.  1 and 2 Thessalonians.  Got home - 1 Timothy.  Just reading reading reading.   All the way home from school today,  my heart was praying, "God just change me... make me different.

It's sure been hitting me lately how so many of my friends are off partying, changing, going after the world... kids I've grown up with, kids I just met.  I don't go to a Christian school and I see stuff.  I saw stuff last semester in the hallways, I hear people talking about life after death, demons... it sends me to my knees.  I realize just HOW MUCH of a battle we're in.  I want to be different.  

One of my friends I haven't seen since last semester came up to me during lunch today and I got up and gave him a hug.  I miss these people so much!!  Right after, my phone rang and it was one of my friends from church.  I answered and she was just crying and crying.  She was in a car accident this past year and really messed up her back and is going into a treatment today where they're putting all these needles into her back for an hour... she was so so so scared.

I just fell back into my chair and my heart broke. We prayed together and we talked for a little bit until I had to go.  Also today, one of my sweet friends from 4-H is my partner in Psych.  I love her to death and talking with her about how to deal with our research project since we are Christians... just all these things.  God is changing me with these things.  I am realizing just how much every every every single day this is not about me.  This is not about me and I am just an instrument.  

So lately, I've been really thinking about what it means to be salt and light.  I spend just as much time with non-Christians as Christians.  I realize how much time I need to be in the Bible not as a duty but because my heart needs it and I desire it.  I need it.  I want it.  When I am in the Bible and reading and reading, I do not want to stop.  I just want to relentlessly pursue GOD... His LOVE is so strong so strong so strong. I'm starting to see what David means in Psalms by my heart longs for Jesus.  It's changing me. <33

I got a text from a girl I just love so much that I haven't heard from in a really long time... she asked me to pray... told me how she took a knife to her Bible.. just how much she is struggling with God really hearing her.  I realize just WHAT A BATTLE we're in.  It's changing my focus. I just want to be a person filled with prayer.  I just want to pray more.

There is this boy in my Psych class and he was homeschooled as well and just by LOOKING at him you can tell he is different.  You can tell he loves God.  He just GLOWS Jesus.  He is always smiling, always respectful, always full of encouragement for people and I can tell he is always praying.  It totally just makes my day to be around that.  Jesus is doing something in this generation and it's changing my focus.

I've been praying for a long time for wisdom.. wisdom on how to be a friend, how to love, how to share Jesus... but I realize now in reading the Word that Jesus is calling me to trust..  I'm praying that He will lead my steps.  Death is beaten.  Jesus is alive.  Freedom is here.  Freedom is in Jesus.  I want to take that to the world.  It's changing me.  It's changing my focus. 

Lately, I've been realizing how I just don't have a desire at all to listen to bad music anymore or party like a bunch of people I know.  Jesus satisfies and is CHANGING me.  This desire that burns in me is to show Jesus.  to live Jesus.  to be like Jesus.  it's changing me. 

As I was praying on the way home about allll of this, a song came on the radio that I have heard so many times.  For some reason I really listened to the words and I totally just went "oh my goodness.  woah." 

haha it was one of those

knock my socks off moments. 

I want to share it with you all.  It's what is on my heart.  It is what is playing in my mind.   It might be the senior year of high school and so many people I know are fleeting away down paths that destroy... but this is the prayer of my heart.   I've bolded the things that really stuck out to me the most...

And I won't try to pretend

I've got it all figured out
I don't have any doubts
I've got a busted heart
I need You now
Yeah, I need You now

(Chorus)
Hold on to me, hold on to me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

I am the wandering son
Your love is never enough
I keep chasing the wind
Instead of chasing Your love
I'm screaming out Your name
Don't let me fall on my face
I've got a busted heart
I'm in need of a change
I'm desperate for grace

Hold on to me, take all of me
Don't let me lose my way
Hold on to me

Broke Your heart a thousand times
But You've never left my side
You have always been here for me

You never let me go
You never let me go

these are the verses me and Val are memorizing right now...  it's really encouraging me.  reminding me what matters - to keep going - to keep loving on people... and that this is NOT ABOUT US but about God.. this power is from God.

it's beautiful to be an instrument for Jesus. <3 I need God I need God I need God I need God I need God I need God.

⁷ But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. ⁸ We are hard pressed on every side, but not crushed; perplexed, but not in despair; ⁹ persecuted, but not abandoned; struck down, but not destroyed. ¹⁰ We always carry around in our body the death of Jesus, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. ¹¹ For we who are alive are always being given over to death for Jesus’ sake, so that his life may also be revealed in our mortal body. ¹² So then, death is at work in us, but life is at work in you. //2Corinthians4:7-12